Jesus is coming back.  You totally know he is.  And when He does, you know he’ll come to Hollywood.  He’d try all kinds of jobs and hangouts, he’d get together another disciple entourage.  He’ll make it, and he’ll learn that life’s not all easy, even after resurrection.



Jesus, Trainer

He’s so totally buff.  He could be a personal trainer, and call himself Your Own Personal (Trainer) Jesus.  Jesus’d be a great personal trainer, cause he’d be so understanding, all, “Just lift what you can, my son.”  And after your workout, he’d turn whatever’s left in your water bottle into wine.  Party.

Jesus on Fame

Plus, he’d have fun and instant friends on account of he’s all ready so famous.  People’d be like, “Oh my god, I just saw Brad Pitt.”  And the other person’d be all, “Big deal, I just saw Jesus.”

You’d see Jesus at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf drinking a mocha no-sugar added ice blended, cause he’d be all committed to a low-carb lifestyle.  Except communion wafers.  But maybe he’d get, like, soy communion wafers made.  But, also, maybe he wouldn’t even take communion, cause it’d be gross and all, cause it’d be like, him eating, like, himself.  Either way, he’d definitely get some kind of no sugar added ice blended.  And he’d probably even put a tip in the jar, even though no one really does that.  And they’d be all, “Jesus, let me give you extra punches in your frequent drinker card, since, you, like, died for me and stuff.”  And Jesus’d be all, “Nah, that’s cool.  Give a free item with purchase to someone in need.  I’d just lose it anyway.”  And then he’d sip is ice blended and utter, “Man, I sure could’ve used this when I was in the desert for 40 years.  I woulda cracked if the devil’d had ice blendeds.”


Jesus, Clumsy?

Damn Jesus, be careful.  When you tripped, your garment accidentally touched me, and my belly button piercing closed up.  And I just got that, too.


Mmmm, mmmm, Jesus

If Jesus lived in LA, he’d love In-n-Out Burger.  And In-n-Out Burger’d be all, “Do you like us because we have John 3:16 printed on the bottom of our cups and we love you?”  And Jesus’d be all, “Nope.  You just got good fries.”

Jesus would totally animal style it and protein style it.


Jesus jobs

Jesus’d be really great on Fear Factor.  Joe Rogan’d be all, “So Jesus, you think you can do this?”  And Jesus’d be all, “I was violently crucified for the sins of all mankind, I think I can eat some yak intestine.”  They’d all chant, “Je-sus, Je-sus.”  And one ballsy guy’d be all “you suck.”  It would take a huge set to trash talk the Son of God, but you know some hillbilly is up to it.


Where Would Jesus Live?

Jesus wears sandals, so he’d probably live in Santa Monica.  Or maybe in Venice Beach with the prostitutes and thieves.  He liked hanging out with them.


Jesus at the Roost

We’d all get to talking at the Roost.  And Jesus’d be all, “You guys, everybody in here looks like one of the White Stripes.”  And we’d laugh, and ease into telling personal things, what with all the Stoli Vanilla and Diet Coke.  And eventually, one guy’d be like, my mom was a stripper.  And we’d all be like, “That’s crazy!”  And Jesus’d be a little buzzed from low carb Michelob, and he’d be all, “Get this, my mom, even when she had me—no shit—was a virgin.  Seriously.  It’s like, documented, and stuff.”  And we’d be all, “Holy shit, Jesus.  Are you for reals?  That’s just like Anakin Skywalker, that’s so cool!”  And Jesus’d be a little slurry and go, “Shpeaking of Shtar  Warsh, my dad, like totally made the shtars, and the moon and shtuff.”  And we’d be all, “That’s so awesome, Jesus, your dad sounds bad ass.”  And Jesus’d be all, “Yeah, he’s all right.  He can be full of wrath and vengeance shometimes, but mostly he’s pretty cool.  I miss him.  It’s hard living so far from home sometimes.  Then again, he is always with me.”   And one of us’d be all, “That’s cool, I’m not real close to my old man.”  And we’d be sort of sad and understanding for a moment, and think about how we are or aren’t close to our parents.  And then, Jesus’d put his Michelob on the table meaningfully and say all confessionally, “We weren’t close for a long time.  In fact, we didn’t talk for years.”  And we’d be all, “Bummer, dude.  What happened?”  And Jesus’d be all, “Nah.”  And we’d be all, “C’mon, Jesus, say it.”  And Jesus’d be all, “Well, I was like, I guess I just didn’t have direction for a while.  And the Old Man was always ridin’ me.  And one day, He says,  ‘Jesus, I’ve  got a job for you.’ And I was like, okay, dad, whatever.  Next thing I know, I’m screaming in a manger and 3 old wise dudes are shoving insence at me. And I’m thinking, ‘what the fuck?’  But I deal, and I’m goin’ along, doin my thing.  And then, like 30 years later, my dad’s like, ‘Okay, now you have to die to save everyone.’  And I’m like, You’re shitting me, right? And my Dad’s all, ‘No.  That’s the job I set you to do, didn’t I mention it?’ and I’m all, uh, no, I think I woulda remembered that. And my Dad was all, ‘Oh, I could have sworn I told you.  No matter, that’s what you’re gonna do.’ I was so pissed.  But I did it.” And we be all, like, “Jesus, we didn’t want to mention it, but, seriously, what was it like up on that cross?”  and Jesus’d be all, “It fucking sucked, what do you think?”  and we’d be all, “Yeah, I thought that.”


Jesus and the Eurail Pass

We’d have a big trip all planned, and we’d be all, “Jesus, you should totally come with us, we’re getting a Eurail Pass.”  And Jesus’d be all, “That’s cool, but I won’t go through Rome.  Bad vibes.”  And we’d be all, “Dude, you gotta let that go.  That was 2,000 years ago.  They’ve probably changed.”  And Jesus’d be all, “Well, maybe one day, but I’m not ready yet.  But I’ll totally go to England.  I’d love to shop Harrod’s.”  And we’d be like, “I’m sorry for what happened with the Romans and all, but at least you’ve traveled.  I’ve never been to Canada, much less Gallilee.”


Jesus on Action

We’d be all, “Jesus, you’re so famous.  You must get laid all the time.  I wish I had a great rap like that.  Like, ‘My dad made you.’”  And Jesus’d be all, “I like girls, but since I’m the Son of God, it’s hard to meet a girl that doesn’t feel like a sister.”  And we’d be all, “Dude, your mom was a virgin, but you don’t have to be!”  And then we’d all high five cause we thought that was funny, as we scan the room for chicks for Jesus.


Others on Jesus

People’d be jealous of Jesus and say stuff like, “I could get a deal at the WB, too, if my dad created the heavens and the earth.”

Why is it many heavens, but just one earth?


Jesus Got a Big Head

And people’d be like, “Man, Jesus is cool, but he’s kinda braggy.”  And the other person’d be all, “Yeah, I like him and all, but he can kind of be a dick sometimes.  Not that we’re not friends or anything, because we are.”  And the first one’d be like, “I know what you mean.  I just think, he only gets work because of his Dad.  Since his Dad is like, God n stuff.”


It’s not all good for Jesus

And then, after enjoying massive amounts of popularity and eager attention, Jesus makes a couple of flops that take a beating at the box office, and executives would be on meetings with him at Delmonico’s and be saying stuff like, “I don’t care if you are the Son of God, we can’t put money into this piece of shit script.  Maybe if you spent a little more time trying to get asses in seats, than souls in heaven, we’d have something.”

Jesus’s manager’d be all, “Look, Jesus, people like you.  What am I saying, people LOVE you.  But, I’m not feeling a full commitment from you on your work.  You lack focus.  You gotta decide, are you a Messiah, or a Director?

Jesus being Prepared

I heard at Jesus’s first movie premier, they ran out of  soda and popcorn.  And people were getting mad.  And Jesus was like, “Just pass around those 3 combo packs.”  And then there was totally enough, and everybody was even full, and there was plenty left over.


Jesus, the Playboy Interview--excerpt

PB:  Jesus, priests and preachers talk about you every week—that’s so hot.”  

Jesus:  Kind of it’s cool, but, I mean, it’s weird, too.  I was, like, young, and sort of unfairly thrust into the spotlight.  It was a weird time for me, well, and humanity.  I didn’t expect all the attention.  Every time I turned around, someone believed I was the Son of God, or somebody didn’t, or somebody wanted to be healed, or somebody wanted change for the bus.  There was nowhere to hide.  I was just gonna, you know, die for everybody’s sins and everything.  But people made such a big deal about it.  If I knew people’d still be quoting me, Jesus, I woulda said cooler stuff.

PB:  Like what, Jesus, you said plenty cool stuff.

Jesus:  Well, I appreciate that, but you have to understand, I was young, I was thrown into the spotlight, it seemed like everybody on the planet was listening.  I’m just glad we didn’t have the internet yet.  I told my Dad, He better wait on that, no way I’m going down there with that thing.  

PB:  But, you’re here now, and there’s internet.

Jesus:  Yeah, but I kind of know my way around a little now.  

PB:  So what would you have done differently?

Jesus:  What?  Oh.  Yeah, like when I said, “Ask and it shall be given unto you, seek and ye shall find.”  That’s like, duh—what does that even mean?  I was so high when I said that.  I think I was talking about my keys.  But you know what, that was over 2000 years ago.  I’ve changed.  I’m more mature.  It’s true what they say, you live, die and resurrect, and you learn.